Breaking up is always painful, and the emotions that you have to cope with when a relationship ends can make it harder to sort everything out. So, it's useful to recognise how you are feeling and how it may affect your ability to come to an agreement.

You may be feeling so hurt and furious that you can't imagine agreeing anything with your ex. Deep down, you may want to punish them for everything you are going through. This is a completely normal reaction - but not very helpful. It can waste your time and energy and make things drag on and on. If you have children together, it is even more important that you do your best to avoid this.

You might feel stuck and overwhelmed. You may feel you just want to run away and hide, even if it means leaving loose ends untied. The idea of trying to sort things out fairly may feel just too much if it means negotiating with your ex. But loose ends have a way of tripping you up, and in a few years when you are over the sadness and hurt, you might feel angry and resentful.

Or you may be feeling guilty, rightly or wrongly. You may be tempted to be overly generous so that you don't have to feel any worse. But that's not always a good approach. You need to make sure that you come to an arrangement so that you don't feel angry or resentful about in the future.

Or you might just want to agree to anything your ex suggests to just keep the peace and make it all go away. But again, this isn’t always a good approach either as you may end up losing out and feeling resentful later on.

Sometimes people feel tempted to retaliate for the hurt they feel by doing something like:

• destroying things,
• changing the locks,
• packing up their ex-partner’s stuff and leaving it outside, or,
• running away with the children,

These may give a short-term feeling of satisfaction, but in the long run they are unhelpful and often unlawful and you may be committing criminal offences. They will also make relations between you deteriorate further, exactly when you need to start finding ways to agree things.

If you feel intimidated by or even scared of your ex, think carefully before you agree anything. You may need support from a domestic abuse charity and some legal advice to help you work out where you stand. See the section called More help and advice. 

Many people believe that after a couple of years of living together they become common law partners, with the same rights as married couples – but this isn’t true! No amount of living together - not 6 months, 6 years or 26 years – will turn your relationship into a 'common law marriage', because common law marriage in this sense doesn’t exist in England and Wales.

If you made a living together agreement, now’s the time to dig it out and remind yourselves what you agreed to. If you don’t have one then you and your ex will need to work out a way of dividing your joint money, joint debts and how any property will be dealt with. If you have children, you will need to work out how you will parent them together even though you are separating.

Children

Working out how you will care for, spend time with and parent your children

• If you have children together then as parents you share responsibility for sorting out arrangements for your children. It’s up to you to make every effort to agree how you will bring them up. 
• If talking is difficult, help is available. We’ve produced a separate guide for parents to help you to agree arrangements that work well for everybody, and to find a solution if that is not possible. We've also written a guide for parents who have to ask the court for a child arrangements order. If you are not sure whether or not you have parental responsibility for your children you can find out more by going to our section on parental responsibility.

Financial support for caring for your children after you break up

• If you have children together, whoever the children spend less time living with and being cared for by will have to pay child maintenance. Child maintenance is money paid by one parent to the other to meet the income needs of their children.
• If you divide the care of your children absolutely equally, the law about whether either parent has to pay any child maintenance is less clear – but what amounts to equal care in this context isn’t just about the number of nights the children stay with you. If you think you are in this situation you may need some legal advice. See More help and advice.
• Child maintenance is paid either until your child turns 16 or until they finish full-time, non-advanced education (A levels, BTEC national diploma), up to their 20th birthday. It is best to try and agree how much the parent doing most of the childcare will receive from the other. You can get an estimate of how much child maintenance you should be paying or receiving by using the official Child maintenance calculator.
• If you really can’t agree the amount, or you feel you are at risk of abusive behaviour from your ex by talking about this with them, either of you can apply to the Child Maintenance Service (CMS). You can do this online or by phone. Beware, if you end up needing the Child Maintenance Service (CMS) to deal with the payments, both of you will have to pay fees for that service.
• If the children are not actually your children (for example, if they are your ex’s from a previous relationship) you are not financially responsible for them unless you have adopted them. This doesn’t mean you can’t ask to spend time with them and if necessary apply for a child arrangements order.

Depending on your circumstances, you may be able to make a claim against your ex for financial help for the benefit of any children you have together. You may be able to make a claim for:

• a ‘lump sum’ of money for one off or occasional capital costs connected to looking after your child, for example, a new car or washing machine, and/or,
• the transfer of capital into a housing fund, that lawyers call “a settlement” (we explain more about this next), or
• regular payments (lawyers call these ‘periodical’ payments) for the costs of your child’s care if the CMS has declared that your ex earns more than £156,000 gross a year, or if you are claiming money to help with your child’s disability or school fees.

Be aware that financial help from your ex, ordered by the court, to create a housing fund for you and the children is just to give them and you a home while you bring them up. It won’t give you any share in the property – you don’t get to keep it and the amount in the fund or ‘settlement’ will have to be repaid later. But it does mean you have somewhere for you and the children to live as they grow up. The usual time when the fund has to be re-paid is when your child reaches 18 or finishes their tertiary education up to and including first degree level (to include a gap year).

This area of the law is complicated, so you should get some advice from a good family law solicitor to find out where you stand. Go to the section called More help and advice on how to find one.

Legal aid may be available for this type of case if you have experienced or are at risk of experiencing domestic abuse or violence. You can find more information at How to get legal aid for a family law issue. 

Maintenance – for partners

• You won’t need to pay any maintenance and won’t receive any maintenance for yourself, even if you gave up work to look after children.
• If your ex is a very high earner you might be able to apply to court for extra maintenance for your child, and sometimes, some maintenance to cover the cost to you of caring for them. But you can only do this if the Child Maintenance Service tells you that your ex earns more than £156,000 gross a year. This is called “top up” child maintenance and if your ex is a very high earner it is sometimes possible to ask for what is called “carer’s allowance” to cover your costs of caring for the child. You might also hear lawyers, or the court, call this a household expenditure child support award or HECSA for short. Be aware though, that it is very rare and only ordered in cases where your ex has a very high income.

Rented home

• If you rent your home and the tenancy is in joint names, you have equal rights to stayin the home. You will both be legally responsible for paying the rent until the tenancy ends or is transferred into just one of your names. Be careful though, if either one of you gives notice to quit the whole tenancy comes to an end and none of the family will be able to continue living there. Also, you may be assessed by your local council housing team to have made yourself ‘intentionally homeless’. This means the council can say you will not be eligible for re-housing as a homeless person. Deciding whether giving notice to quit is the right thing to do in your situation, and if so when and how to do it, are complicated questions. It is a good idea to get specialist advice to help with these decisions.
• If the home you rent is a council or housing association tenancy and is in your joint names or your ex’s sole name you may be able to apply to transfer the tenancy into your sole name. Speak to your landlord to try to agree the best way of transferring the tenancy. If you cannot reach an agreement you may be able to apply to the family court for an order to transfer the tenancy. If you possibly can, get some help from a family law solicitor to do this. See More help and advice on how to find one. This option is not available to most private tenants.
• If you rent your home privately and the tenancy is in your ex's name only, you have no automatic right to stay if your ex asks you to leave. He or she should give you a reasonable time to find somewhere else – for example, one month.
• Try and reach an agreement with your ex about who (if either of you) is going to stay in your rented home. Whoever is going to stay on will need to be able to afford the rent (perhaps with the assistance of housing benefit or universal credit). Then approach your landlord to see if they will agree to transfer the tenancy into one name.

Here we look at the things you need to decide and in the next section we look at ways of deciding them - on your own or with the help of a family mediator or a family law solicitor.

This to-do list may well feel rather daunting. Some days you may feel able to tackle it and other days it may all feel too much. Try not to worry. Everyone feels like this sometimes, even without a break-up to cope with. Remember that your ex is likely to feel like this too but not necessarily at the same time as you. This means that things will take a bit of time to get sorted out.

Money and property

Where you will both live 

Some of the things you will need to think about are:

• Will one of you stay in your home or will you both need to move out?
• If you rent, can you end your tenancy now or are you locked into it for a few more months?
• What will happen to your tenancy if only one of you stays?
• Do you have a right to stay in the property if it’s only you living there? Can either of you stay?
• If you are going to sell your home, how will you divide the proceeds of sale? What will you each do to help sell it quickly?
• If you can’t afford for either of you to move out, think about how you can manage to both continue to live in the property. What can you each do to make it easier for the other? (If you get benefits or tax credits, see What you need to do and who you need to tell for the rules about claiming as a single person if you are still sharing a home with your ex.)
• Will you do it all at once or in stages? Some couples make a short-term and a long-term agreement to fit in with their needs. For example, some couples agree that one partner will stay in the home until it is sold. Or couples with children sometimes agree that one parent will stay in the home with the children until they have left school, and then sell the home and divide the proceeds.
• Remember, even if you move out, if your name is still on the tenancy or the mortgage you are still legally responsible for paying the rent or mortgage.
• If you own the property solely or jointly and have moved out, you may be entitled to a payment from the person who stays living there. But often people agree that the person remaining in the property pays all the mortgage payments instead. Who pays the mortgage after separation may make a difference as to what share of the property you each own. This is a complicated area and you should get legal advice about it if you possibly can.

Housing law is extremely complicated. You must get advice about your rights to stay and/or the implications of leaving. Shelter is a good place to start. They can offer you free housing law advice. Go to Shelter (England) or Shelter Cymru for more help. They ask that you look at their online help first before calling the helpline as this is for emergency situations - when people are about to be made or have just been made homeless.

Going to court can often cause relationships to be permanently damaged, and leaves the adults involved hurt, stressed, and poorer. You could spend the money you would spend on going to court making your children’s lives and your own more comfortable.

Children can often be upset too, even if you are very careful not to involve them directly. So, it is usually best to come to an agreement between yourselves, through a family mediation service, or a family law solicitor. However you do it, you will both need to compromise. Indeed, new rules now mean that if you do go to court without trying to reach agreement through mediation, or another method of dispute resolution, the court can say you have pause your application to try one of these routes to an agreement. 

When it comes to trying to agree things, the difficulty is that each of you may have a different idea about what is fair. You may think you should get back the proportion that you contributed, or that things should be divided equally, or divided according to what you need to start again. There’s one thing for sure, you can only divide what you have, so most people will need to get used to having less money for a while.

Option 1 - agreeing it yourselves

Agreeing things without help is not easy. You will need to find ways to discuss the issues without your emotions getting in the way and accept you probably won't get everything you want. To start with, one or both of you may be too upset and angry to discuss it. It may not be possible to agree a fair outcome by yourselves for example if you feel bullied, intimidated or controlled by your ex. 

When you come to any sort of agreement between yourselves, it is essential to write it down. This should include specifics, like who is to have what and the amount and dates of any agreed payments, in case there is any dispute later on. It is best to have one document that you both sign and have copies of - but better to have your own record than none at all.

If you want something more formal, a family law solicitor can draft a separation agreement for you. The more complex your situation, the longer it may take to negotiate (particularly if your ex is unrepresented) and the greater the cost. At the lower end of the scale you may be looking at costs in the region of £1,000 - £1,500. At the higher end, costs could be nearer £3,000 - £4,000. You may want to agree a fixed fee with a solicitor rather than an hourly rate. A separation agreement confirms the agreement you have made and may help you avoid court proceedings in the future. 

If you have agreed to transfer property from one person to another you should also get advice from a lawyer who specialises in property law. These lawyers are often called conveyancers.

For information about how to find a good family law solicitor see More help and advice.

It’s ok to phone around and compare prices. In some circumstances you may be entitled to legal aid. For information about getting legal aid about a family problem, see How to get legal aid for a family law issue.

Children

If you are struggling to agree arrangements for your children take a look at our guide to Sorting out child arrangements.

If you still can’t reach agreement, and you have tried different ways to agree, such as mediation, you may have to ask the court to decide.

There are good reasons to think very carefully before you apply to court. Solicitors’ fees can mount up quickly. There are court fees to pay unless you can get help with fees. It can be very stressful for you and have a detrimental impact on your children. Added to all this, it is not a quick process, and at the end, if the judge makes a decision, you will have to accept it even if it isn’t what you want.

You may well be worried about the costs of having a solicitor to represent you. But, it can be invaluable at important times like this, to get a bit of legal advice. 

To help, we have a panel of solicitors who are all members of Resolution who can offer expert legal advice for a reduced fixed fee. To learn more about this go to Our affordable Advice service.

Alternatively, for information about how to find a good family law solicitor see More help and advice. It’s ok to phone around and compare prices. Some will offer one-off help for a fixed price, others may offer a first meeting for free.

Legal aid may be available for this type of case if you have experienced or are at risk of experiencing domestic abuse. You can find more help on this at How to get legal aid for a family law issue.

The court will want evidence that you have met with a mediator first and tried mediation or another type of dispute resolution, and tried to reach an agreement out of court before it will consider making a decision about your children for you. See How to apply for a child arrangements order for help on these rules. 

Property and money

If you find it impossible to agree what share (if any) you should each have in the family home you lived in together, depending on the circumstances of your particular situation, you may be able to go to court about this. But, even if this option is available to you, this is stressful, expensive, and slow and the outcome may be very uncertain so you should only consider doing this as a last resort. The law on disputes about home ownership for unmarried couples is complex and you will need to get some legal advice about whether and how to take action. If you lose your case you might have to pay some or all of your ex’s legal costs, as well as your own.

Legal aid may be available for this type of case if you have experienced or are at risk of experiencing domestic abuse. You can find more help on this at How to get legal aid for a family law issue.

For information about how to find a good solicitor see More help and advice. It’s ok to phone around and compare prices. Some will offer one-off help for a fixed price, others may offer a first meeting for free

Benefits

If you are on a low income, check if you might be entitled to benefits or tax credits now you are a single person. There is a very helpful Benefits calculator on the Turn2Us website.

If you are no longer a couple but still share a home, you can apply for benefits as a single person as long as you are living as a single person. This means not sleeping in the same bed, not cooking or shopping for each other, washing each other’s clothes, or paying for things as a couple. See Benefits and living together for more help.

If you get means tested benefits or tax credits, make sure you inform the agency that deals with them that you are no longer living as a couple. This may be the Department for Work and Pensions, HM Revenue and Customs, and your local authority (for housing and council tax benefit). You will have to make a new claim in just your name. 

It is really important not to put this off as you will build up an overpayment that you will have to pay back. If you have moved, you also need to make sure they all have your new contact details.

If you get a Universal Credit overpayment, we have another guide to help you. 

Debts

If you have debts in both names and have agreed that one of you will be responsible for paying it off, inform the credit company of your agreement and give them up to date contact details for both of you. Your private agreement does not change the fact that you are both liable for the debt, but if they understand the arrangement and can contact you they should let you know if the payments are not being made.

This is important because if your ex doesn’t make the payments the company may take debt recovery proceedings against both of you, or just you! They don’t have to serve you with notice of the proceedings in person - they can just send a letter to your last known address. This means if you move house and forget or don’t get round to telling the credit company your new address, they will write to you about any debt recovery proceedings at your old address. You could wake up one day to discover that a county court judgment has been made against you, without you knowing anything about it.

When it comes to credit cards, you can only have a credit card in one person’s name. However, your ex might be an ‘additional card holder’ which means they can spend on the card too. You are responsible for your spending and theirs! It is a good idea to cancel the additional card so that there is no risk of your ex building up spending that you have to pay off. 

If your debts are a problem, get some free debt advice from National Debtline  or StepChange Debt Charity.

Joint accounts

The easiest thing is probably to close all joint accounts and divide up any money in them. If you decide it would be easier for one of you to keep an account, make sure you let your bank know the situation, and change the account into one name only. If you don't, your ex could empty the account or run up a huge overdraft that you will both be legally responsible for. If you tell the bank your relationship has broken down you may find that they temporarily freeze the account, until you work out your situation. Take care to ensure that you have enough cash to tide you over if this happens, or access to another account in just your name. 

Having said that, closing or removing a name from a joint account isn't always as easy as it should be. Some banks will only take the instruction from the 'main account holder', which is simply the person whose name was put first on the application form when the account was opened. To save any hassle, write to the bank straight away explaining what you want them to do and then both sign it. Keep a copy.

If you have problems closing the account you can ask the bank to freeze it – stopping any payments going out. This stops the other account holder running up a debt on it but it also stops bills being paid direct from the account. So make sure you have made arrangements to pay regular direct debits and standing orders before freezing the account.

Wills

If you have a Will that leaves your ex all your worldly possessions, remember to destroy your will. Do this even if you are not yet ready to make a new one. If a solicitor drew the will up for you, let them know, so that they know that the will has been revoked. Make a new will as soon as possible, otherwise anything you do own will go to other people in line with the intestacy rules which may well not be what you want to happen.

Pension or life insurance

If you have nominated your ex to receive death benefits from your pension, or the pay out from a life insurance policy, remember to change this. Call the companies concerned and discuss the situation.

If you are staying in the home

• It is important to ensure that the correct name is on things like utility bill and council tax accounts. Otherwise your ex could be pursued for payment.
• Inform your landlord or mortgage lender that your ex has now left.
• Inform your home insurers that your ex has left.
• If you are now the only adult in your household be sure to tell the Council Tax Department at your local authority. If you fill in the relevant form you will be entitled to a 25% discount on your council tax. You can apply for a council tax discount via GOV.UK. 

If you have moved out of the home

Make sure that you inform relevant companies, businesses and organisations of your move. Next, we list a few important ones but there may be more!

• Your bank and/or building society.
• All the credit companies you have accounts or store cards with.
• Anyone you have a hire purchase agreement with.
• Your doctor, dentist, opticians, and any other health workers.
• Water, gas, electricity, broadband and phone companies.
• The Post Office if you need your post redirected.
• The company you have your buildings and/or contents insurance with.
• Any companies or organisations you have subscriptions with.
• The landlord or mortgage company.
• Your children’s nursery/school - if you have children.
• The DVLA - if you have a car.
• If you receive any benefits, including child benefit, - the relevant government department that deals with your benefits.
• Your pension provider(s) if you have any pensions. 

How to find a family mediator

Anyone can call themselves a family mediator, so it is important to choose someone you can be sure is well trained and experienced. 

A good way to find a registered mediator is to use the search tool provided by the Family Mediation Council to find one near you. 

All Family Mediation Council registered mediators must follow a code of practice to maintain good standards in their work. If you are interested, you can find the code of practice on the Family Mediation Council website. 

If you follow up on a recommendation from family or friends, be sure to just check the name on the Family Mediation Council website so you know that the person is registered and either working towards being an accredited mediator or is accredited. This will give you reassurance that the mediator you choose is trained and experienced.

All the mediators included on the Family Medication Council website have been trained by providers approved by the Family Mediation Council and most are also accredited, which means that they are experienced mediators. Not all mediators do Legal Aid funded mediation, but those who do must be accredited – you can search for them by ticking the middle box on the search tool.

Mediators are trained to give legal information but not legal advice. Some people feel safer with a mediator who is also a qualified solicitor as they have experience of the family court system. If you want a mediator who is also a solicitor, use the search on the family mediation council’s website and check what it says on the mediator’s website about their background. Or the search on Resolution’s site, explains in the results how long the mediator has been a family law solicitor.  Some mediators have backgrounds in other very useful professions that could be particularly helpful to you depending on your situation, such as financial advisers or family therapists.

Don’t be afraid to phone around and compare prices. You need to ask:

• How experienced is the mediator? Is the mediator accredited? (If the mediator is working towards accreditation they will be less experienced but supervised and supported, and cheaper).
• How many mediations do they do each year? (Try to choose an experienced mediator who does many sessions each year).
• How much will each mediation session cost each of you?
• If there are any other additional fees (for example, is there a separate cost for writing up the agreement at the end)?
• How busy they are – are they likely to be able to see you at a time that both you and your ex can do?

How to find a good solicitor

For help finding a family lawyer a good place to start is Resolution where you can find lawyers by searching using your postcode. Resolution members must commit to helping you work out your legal problem in a non-confrontational way. A green tick next to the words ‘accepts legal aid’ below the lawyer’s name tells you that they offer legal aid.

You can also search for a specialist lawyer near you who has been accredited by the Law Society. This means they have a significant amount of experience and expertise and have passed a Law Society assessment. On the Law Society Find a solicitor page you can add your postcode in the ‘Location’ box and then choose ‘Family – general’ from the list in the drop down box called ‘Area of practice’. Then click on ‘Advanced search’. This takes you to a new page. If you scroll down, you can see the Accreditation options on the left hand side. Here you can choose ‘Family’ or ‘Family – advanced’. 

You can also find a family lawyer that offers legal aid via GOV.UK.

Some family law specialists do extra training in an approach to solving legal problems called collaborative practice. If you use this approach, each of you must agree to use a collaboratively trained lawyer and have meetings together to try and solve the issues without going to court. You can search for a collaboratively trained lawyer on the Resolution website by choosing ‘Collaborative practitioner’ in the Service offering box.

Don’t be afraid to call around various firms to get information on their costs and a feel for the firm’s approach. 

Parenting help and information

Gingerbread provides expert advice, practical support and other help for single parents. They have lots of useful resources on their website which they ask you look at first before calling the helpline, unless you need urgent support. 

Single Parent Helpline: 0808 802 0925

Family Lives is a national charity providing help and support in all aspects of family life. Their helpline can give information, advice, guidance and support on any aspect of parenting and family life.

Family Helpline: 0808 800 2222

OnlyMums and OnlyDads run a Family Separation Support Hub with information, articles, details of parenting courses and access to a directory of a range of professionals who can help with separation issues. 

Domestic abuse

If your ex has been or is being abusive to you there are lots of places you can find out more information and get support. 

Always dial 999 in an emergency. If you cannot speak when you call, you may be asked to cough or tap on the phone or enter the numbers 55. The operator will then know you are there and in danger and transfer you to the police.

For support or to discuss your options you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 or in Wales, Live Fear Free on 0808 80 10 800 (24 hours).

Both help lines are for anyone who is experiencing, or has experienced domestic abuse, or for anyone who is worried about domestic abuse happening to a friend, family member or colleague. It is free, confidential and the number will not show up on a BT telephone bill.

If you are a man and you or your children are affected by domestic violence or abuse you can contact the Men’s Advice Line on 0808 801 0327.

Galop runs a national helpline for lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans people experiencing domestic abuse. You can contact them on 0800 999 5428.

You can find more information and support from:

Refuge
Women’s Aid
Welsh Women’s Aid
Surviving Economic Abuse

Help with understanding your housing rights

Shelter (England) gives advice about rented housing and helps people struggling with bad housing or homelessness through advice, support, and legal services. If you live in Wales, go to Shelter Cymru.

Debt advice

National Debtline has lots of useful information on their website. If you prefer to speak over the phone they also can offer you free advice via their helpline: 0808 808 4000.

StepChange also has lots of useful information on their website and an online debt advice tool. They also offer free advice over the phone, if you would prefer to speak to someone. Helpline: 0800 138 1111. They ask that you fill in their budget template that you can find on their website before you call.

Disclaimer

The information in this guide applies to England and Wales and is for general purposes only. The law may be different if you live in Scotland or Northern Ireland.

The law is complicated. We have simplified things in the guide. Please don't rely on this guide as a complete statement of the law. We recommend you try and get advice from the sources we have suggested.

The cases we refer to are not always real but show a typical situation. We have included them to help you think about how to deal with your own situation.

Acknowledgments

We would like to thank all those who provided feedback on this guide, in particular Sarah Marchant of Burges Salmon LLP. 

This guide was written, produced and updated by Advicenow. This version was supported by the Ministry of Justice via the Online Support and Advice Grant.