It is totally normal to feel stressed, anxious, disappointed and angry about things not going the way you imagined for your family. It can take time to adjust to a future that looks different to what you hoped for. For many people, this process happens gradually rather than all at once.

If you are separating now or separated recently, you are probably going through a very stressful time. It's hard being a parent. You may be feeling that you can't cope or you want it all to go away. Most people have days when they feel like they want to go back to being a child themselves. This makes it hard to make any decisions. Be kind to yourself.

Your emotions and expectations of what should happen next are likely to be different to your ex’s some or even most of the time. Because of this, it can take longer to reach an agreement than you might think or hope. Sometimes the emotions that come with separation can overshadow decision-making about what is best for your children. 

Whilst it might seem hard or even impossible right now, if it is safe for you to communicate with your ex about how you parent your children together, even though you are separated, it will really help your children and reduce the impact of your separation on them. 

Getting some help right now

There are a number of organisations who offer support and help for adults and children when they are dealing with family difficulties. You can find some listed in the section called More help and advice.

If you have suffered abuse from your ex or you are still suffering abuse from your ex, make sure you read the section called If there has been domestic abuse or if your children have been harmed. 

Things you can do to help your children

• Keep reassuring your children that the situation is something the adults are responsible for, and that it is not their fault.
• Let them know you understand this is hard for them, that their feelings matter, and that they can talk to you about how they are feeling whenever they need to.
• Tell them repeatedly that you both still love them and you will always be their family.
• It’s easier said than done, but try not to blame the other parent or talk about them in an unhelpful way in front of your children. Find other ways to blow off steam.
• Try not to go through your children to communicate with your ex – find other ways. We talk more about this a little later.
• Give loads of extra cuddles.
• Let the children’s schools and anyone else who looks after them know - they are likely to need a bit of extra care and attention from everybody for a bit.

There are three main things to sort out:

1. Where the children will live.
2. Whether and how your children will spend time with both parents, as long as this is safe for them and in their best interests, and also safe for you.
3. How you will continue to pay for all the things they need.

There are no set answers to these questions. You have to decide between you what will be best for your children and for you both.

Where the children will live and what time they will spend with each of you

Sometimes where the children will live and with who is obvious to you both, but often this is a really hard decision. The most important thing is for you both to be clear that you are making the decision based on what is right for your children at this point in their lives, rather than trying to make things fair between the two of you.

Shared care 

You may be thinking of an arrangement where the children live part of the week with one of you and the rest of the week with the other. This is often called “shared care” and it can be very successful. Be aware though that if you are thinking that it is only ‘fair’ if your children live half of the week with each of you, you may accidentally be putting your needs ahead of theirs.

Shared care arrangements seem to be most successful where parents live near each other, both have enough space at home and time (or money) to spend on childcare, and when they can be co-operative and communicate well on day to day issues (for example, whether your child’s PE kit/French textbook is in the right home when needed). It is also important to have clear agreements about who is responsible for what (for example, who will be responsible for healthcare appointments, making sure their shoes still fit).

'Nesting'

Often parents are not able to afford two sets of homes that meet the needs of the children to a similar standard. Some parents agree an arrangement where the child or children stay living in the family home and each parent comes and goes, only staying in the home when it is their turn to look after the children. Then, when it is not their turn they stay somewhere smaller or with a family member. This is often a temporary arrangement while the family’s finances are sorted out but some families do it for years. Generally, to make this sort of arrangement work you would probably need to get on well with your ex. That can be rare for people in the middle of a separation.

One main home and time with the other parent 

For many families, it may be best for the children to live with one parent most of the time, and see their other parent regularly. It is important for children and teenagers to have clear, regular arrangements in place to see the parent they don’t live with and for both parents to stick with what is agreed. 

You may need to think about:

• how much stability your children need at their age and with their personalities,
• who will have the most time for parenting (and on what days),
• where there is enough space,
• how they would get to and from school, their friends’ houses,
• if you have more than one child, will it be important to them that they both do the same thing (for example, both go to stay with Dad on a Sunday night), or would they enjoy the opportunity to get one of you to themselves sometimes.

Talking to the children about arrangements

• Make it clear to your children that you want to help them to keep a loving and close relationship with both of you and they will never be asked to choose between you.
• Make it clear that you are the adults and you will make the decisions, but that you want their help to think about how things would feel for them.
• Listen to any suggestions they make. Even if you can immediately think of 10 reasons why it's a bad idea, resist the impulse to say so. Instead let them see you are giving it some serious thought.

Listening to your children’s views is an important part of making arrangements that work well for them, particularly as they get older. Talk with them about how things are going and what helps them feel secure and supported.

Try not to ask children to choose where they live or to make decisions between parents, as this can make them feel caught in the middle. While their views matter and should be taken seriously, decisions about arrangements are the parents’ responsibility.

Agreeing house rules with your ex 

It’s a very good idea to try and agree what the rules and expectations are and try and make sure they are the same for your children when they are with each of you. For example, for teenagers you might agree when bedtime is, how late they can stay out with their friends, how long can they spend on screens, will homework be checked, how much pocket money will they get (and who will give it to them). This prevents them from playing you off against each other, and means you don’t have to worry that it’s more fun with their other parent.

Adapting as your children grow

Bear in mind whatever arrangements you come to are unlikely to last forever. Most people need to reorganise things a few times as the children get older to accommodate their social lives or new clubs they want to join. Or there may be changes for you the adults, perhaps because of a new job or changes to your home life.

If your child spends more time with the other parent, it doesn’t mean you are less of a parent or have less of a say in important decisions about them. This is because most parents have something called ‘parental responsibility’. This is a legal term for all the rights and duties a parent has towards a child. It means you should be consulted about important things like which school they should go to, or decisions concerning your child’s health. (It does not give either parent the right to interfere unreasonably or unnecessarily in care arrangements put in place by one parent.)

If you both have parental responsibility you will need to agree on the big important decisions that affect your children such as where they go to school and any medical treatment they need.

Do I have parental responsibility?

All mums have parental responsibility. All dads who are married to or in a civil partnership with the mum or are named on their child’s birth certificate as their father have parental responsibility.  If you have adopted your child, have a residence order (this will be an order made before April 2014), or a Child Arrangements Order that says your child lives with you, you have parental responsibility.

If you are a 'second female parent' and your child was conceived on or after 6th April 2009 and you are named on the birth certificate you will have parental responsibility.

If you are a second female parent and you are married to, or are the civil partner of, the child’s mother you will also have parental responsibility.

Be aware that not all same-sex partners are automatically second female parents. For more about the law on second female parents have a look at the section called ‘Working out if you have parental responsibility’ in How to get parental responsibility without a lawyer.

If you don’t have automatic parental responsibility, you can get it by making (and signing) a parental responsibility agreement or by applying to the court for an order. See our step-by-step guide on applying for parental responsibility without the help of a lawyer.

Once you have worked out where the children will be living, you need to work out how you are both going to continue to pay for everything your child needs. All parents have a duty to pay for the things their children need until they are 16, or up until they are 20 if they are still doing their A levels or equivalent study or training. This is usually called 'child maintenance' or 'child support'.

Child maintenance

Again, it’s usually best to try and come to an agreement between yourselves. You could agree that the parent who the children won’t be living with (or who will have them staying for less time each week), pays the other a certain amount of money each week or month. Or you could agree that they will pay bills or buy particular things the child needs instead. If the child will be living with each of you equally, how will you divide the cost of things like clothes, shoes, school lunches, pocket money, travel, and after school or weekend activities?

If you are struggling to make your own agreement, it might be useful to see how much the government would tell you or the other parent pay. Go to calculate your child maintenance.

If you cannot agree child maintenance 

If you still cannot agree you could apply to the Child Maintenance Service (CMS). 

They will contact the other parent and work out what they should pay. If the other parent doesn’t pay, the Child Maintenance Service can make them pay. If you and your ex cannot manage to agree on when and how the maintenance is paid, you may have to use the CMS to collect the maintenance for you. There is a charge made to both parents for this option. Also it is important to understand that it can take a long time for things to get sorted out using this service.

Changes are being made at the Child Maintenance Service to give more protection and help to parents who are domestic abuse survivors. This means that if you have evidence of domestic abuse your private details will not be shared and you will not have to contact the other parent about maintenance.

Although it is best to try and reach agreed solutions without needing to go to court if you can, and if it is safe, it is important to know how the court looks at these decisions. 

The law says that the court should not make  orders about children, unless it is better for the child if they do. This is why the court will encourage parents to work out solutions themselves if it is possible. 

Before applying to court almost everyone needs to go to a mediation information and assessment meeting, (also called a ‘MIAM’), to understand more about the options available to help them to avoid court. And now there is a new process to follow before you apply to court – for help on this go to What you need to do before you apply to the family court about your children. 

You can find out more about mediation information and assessment meetings in our section on family mediation.

When the court is asked to make a decision about the children the only consideration is what is best for the child, rather than what either of the parents want or need. 

The judge must consider: 

• The child’s wishes and feelings with attention given to their age, understanding, and maturity. This means that as children grow older and are better able to understand the situation and express their views, their perspectives can carry more weight. This does not mean that the court automatically does what the child wants, but their views are considered carefully in deciding what is in their best interests.
• Their physical, emotional and educational needs.
• The likely effect on the child of any change of circumstances.
• The child's age, sex, background and any other relevant characteristics.
• Any harm or risk of harm to the child.
• The ability of the parents to give the child what they need.

The options available to you on how to try and come to an agreement are

1. reaching an agreement between yourselves,
2. using a family mediation service, or other non-court options, or
3. using solicitors to negotiate on your behalf, or
4. applying to the court if you can’t reach an agreement.

You might find that you can agree some things between yourselves but that mediation or a solicitor could help sort out some trickier issues. 

Going to court should usually be the last resort - there are some exceptions and we talk about them later. It can often cause relationships to be permanently damaged, and leave the adults involved hurt, stressed, and poorer.  The money, time, and energy you would spend on going to court would usually be better spent making your children’s lives and your own more comfortable.  And if you can’t afford legal advice the whole process is likely to be daunting and difficult. It usually increases any conflict, and this is not good for your children. Children can often be upset by it, even if you are very careful not to involve them directly.

Whichever method you use, it is important to remember that you will both need to compromise - unless you are really sure that it would not be safe for the other parent to be involved in your children’s lives.

Option 1 - Agreeing it yourselves

Agreeing arrangements between yourselves can be a good option for many people. But if you feel that your ex is better at arguing their corner than you are and you are worried about trying to reach agreement alone then you should see if you can get free mediation or legal advice or find the money to pay for these. 

A solicitor will advise you on what the court would consider a reasonable arrangement and help you think about things you may not have thought of yourself. 

If you have experienced any kind of domestic abuse during or after your relationship with your ex, it is important to get support and advice so that you don’t have to manage the situation on your own. This could include specialist domestic abuse services and a family law solicitor. You may be able to get legal aid. A family law solicitor can help you understand your options and what the court would consider to be safe arrangements for you and your children.

If you can agree things between you it won’t cost you much or even anything in terms of money. Often arrangements that you can both agree to will work better than those that are forced on you (for example by the court.) If you have young children you will need to parent them together for years to come. So if you can get off to a good start at the beginning by talking about the issues, this is likely to help everyone, and particularly your children, now and in the future.

Make a plan on how to communicate with your ex 

If you have recently separated or if you have a lot of history together, you will need to find ways to discuss this without emotions getting in the way. This might be to meet to discuss just this, perhaps in neutral territory. Some people manage to do it over email.

1. Agree in advance with the other parent how and when you will try to come to agreements. For example, will you find a date to meet on neutral territory, do it over email, or will you use a family mediation service. Nobody likes to feel ambushed and you have a much better chance of agreeing something if you both arrive at it feeling that you have chosen this approach and you want it to succeed.
2. If you have a lot to discuss try and agree what is urgent and deal with that first. You may have different priorities, but dealing first with the things that are most worrying for each of you can make things go much more smoothly. If you have to discuss arrangements for the children and finances, try not to confuse them and put your children first. Do not feel that everything needs to be resolved immediately.
3. Before you discuss it, think about what you want to agree. What is best for the children? And then work out what you would like and where you can be flexible. Keep the children’s needs at the centre of the conversation and focus on solutions for the future, even if you don't agree on every detail.
4. Try to stick to the point as much as you can. If you are meeting in person, having the main points written down can be helpful and can give you something to focus on if you feel yourself starting to get upset or angry, or if your ex-partner strays from the point. If you try to do it over email, do bear in mind that it is even easier to take offence when you can’t see expressions or hear tone of voice, so keeping yourself calm and sticking to the point is even more important.

Option 2 - Using family mediation or other non-court options 

Mediation

Mediation is the most well-known type of 'non-court dispute resolution'. This means different ways of working out your dispute without involving the court system. There are other options and we explain them in our short guide called What to do before you apply to the family court about your children. 

Mediation is where you meet together with the other parent and a mediator, who has been properly trained to help you put your feelings aside and focus on the issues that need to be sorted out. The mediator won’t take sides or decide what is fair for you - they are simply there to help your discussions.

It is also the mediator’s role is to ensure that you both get heard and have a chance to speak so that one person does not dominate.

If you find mediation useful and manage to reach an agreement, the mediator can help put it in writing. This might be a Parenting Agreement, a Memorandum of Understanding (MOU), or another form of agreement that works for both of you. You can then, if you wish, ask the family court to approve the agreement as a consent order, which gives your private agreement legal certainty.

Traditionally, mediation appointments have taken place at the mediator’s office. More and more mediators now offer online sessions that take place by video call.

Mediation can give you a calm and safe setting where you are encouraged to listen to each other, and help get you a written agreement to move forward.  

Many people say that a positive side-effect of mediation is that it helps them to communicate again, which - given that you are going to continue to be your children’s parents forever - can only be a good thing.

How much does mediation cost?

To understand more about mediation and other non-court options you can go to a mediation information and assessment meeting. You might hear these meetings being called MIAMs for short.

Depending on your financial situation, this may be free for you. This meeting is not a mediation session – it is a chance to learn more about the options that could suit you and your ex to help you avoid court. 

If you think that mediation is for you, legal aid is still available for mediation so ask if you qualify. If not, you may qualify for the government family mediation scheme where you can get £500 towards the cost of mediation. For more on this, go to the Family mediation Council website.

If you do not qualify you will have to pay for family mediation. Prices vary but start at around £120 - £150 per person per hour. Most people come to the agreements they need for their children in 1-3 sessions. When you are looking for a mediator, don’t be afraid to phone around and compare prices. (Whilst the fees are usually charged per person, it is open to you and the other parent to decide who will actually pay or how the cost will be shared – for example where one of you has a higher income.)

Some mediators are also legally trained as family law solicitors. They cannot advise you on your legal problem as well as mediate between you and your ex. But their legal training means they can be clear if they think the court would not approve your agreement.

For more information about family mediation and how to find a good mediator, see our guide to family mediation.

Domestic abuse and mediation 

If you have experienced any kind of domestic abuse during or after your relationship with your ex then mediation may well not be right for you. A trained mediator can talk to you about  this and the options available to you, for example, shuttle mediation, where you and your ex stay in different rooms and don’t see or speak directly to each other at all. Remember, you should not be bullied into going or bullied by your ex when you are there.

Child inclusive mediation 

Child inclusive mediation gives your child, or children, the opportunity to meet and talk with the mediator who is helping you both work out a plan for parenting apart. It can help your children to be heard and can help both parents focus better on their needs. 
 

Option 3 - Using solicitors to negotiate for you

If you cannot get legal aid, using a solicitor can be more expensive than mediation. But it can still be relatively quick and can avoid all the expense and stress of going to court. If you have to sort out issues around money or property, it can feel a lot safer to have an expert on your side, making your case for you.

You can find a good family law solicitor who believes in a constructive, non-confrontational approach on the Resolution website. Don’t be afraid to phone around and compare prices. A solicitor will be able to advise you on your rights and how the court would look at your situation. A solicitor will help you think through important things you may not have thought about.

If you are entitled to legal aid it will be much cheaper, or even free. 

If you can’t get legal aid, some solicitors will do one off bits of work that they charge a set amount of money for. You might find that one meeting with a solicitor to give you some initial advice and guidance will be money well spent. Make sure you call around and compare prices for similar services offered by different firms. For more on how to get legal advice and some places where you may be able to get free advice see More help and advice.

If you have managed to come to an agreement, well done! You don’t have to put it in writing but it is a good idea as it will help you avoid confusion or disagreement later on. Think about including something on how you might deal with any problems that may arise in the future – for example, by talking to each other and if that doesn’t resolve the issue, by using mediation.  

There are only really a few reasons to take arrangements for children to court. They are:

• If you have real worries about your child's safety or welfare with the other parent.
• If one of you feels unsafe or intimidated.
• If one of you has been preventing the other parent from seeing the child, without good reason. Courts have powers to enforce court orders about this.
• Maybe you haven't been able to get a proper (or any) response from your partner. Sometimes a court application can help to get a discussion going. Often the court process will stop after the first hearing, as an agreement can be reached.
• If you cannot agree on something specific such as which school your child should go to or if one parent doesn’t agree to a foreign holiday or trip to relatives outside England and Wales.
• The parent with care of the children has moved and cannot be located or is about to move away, either within England or Wales or to another country. If you are concerned that they may be moving outside of the country, you need to act quickly and get urgent legal advice on what applications you need to make to the court. Even if you think they are just moving within England and Wales you should still get urgent legal advice if you do not support the move.

If your situation isn’t this bad, it is probably best to consider trying again - perhaps using another method like family mediation or solicitors to negotiate on your behalf. 

Sometimes people think they want to go to court for the wrong reasons. Maybe you don’t want to compromise and think the court will give you everything you want. But this is very unlikely - courts don’t side with one person or another but try to find a solution that is right for the child or children.  Often, deep down, people hope the court will 'reward' them or 'punish' the other parent for their past behaviour. If this is what you want, you will be disappointed. Generally, unless there are serious concerns about the welfare of your children, for example where there have been allegations of domestic abuse, the court will want to look to the future rather than examine what has happened in the past. 

Parents sometimes want to take their dispute to court because they think fighting every step of the way will show the children how much they love them. But going to court really isn’t the best way of doing that. Making compromises to ensure the new situation will give the children what they need, even where that is painful for you, is much more likely to be effective.

Take a look at What to do before you apply to the family court about your children to understand more about what is involved. 
 

It might be that it is not you but your ex (or another family member) who has come to you talking about their view on how arrangements are not working. This can be hard to deal with if you are happy with how things are currently. 

Try talking to your ex and listening to what they have to say. If this is difficult you might ask a friend or family member that you both get on with to help you in some way. This could be by being there when you speak to keep things on track and calm or by speaking to each of you separately about what you think should happen.

If your ex has suggested changes to the current arrangements for your child that you are not sure about or are definitely unhappy about then it would be really sensible to get some legal advice now about your position. 

Above, we’ve given a few reasons why you might need to go to court. In many cases, though, going to court is not the best option. Here are some reasons why you should avoid court if you can agree arrangements safely, without the help of a judge.

• It will probably make it harder to have a relationship as parents afterwards. To make your case both of you will emphasise and even exaggerate your positions. After that, it can be hard to get back to a co-operative relationship as parents.
• It will be very stressful, and the children may feel stressed too.
• If you use a solicitor to advise you and a solicitor or barrister at court to represent you it will become very expensive very quickly, unless you can get legal aid.   
• If you cannot afford to use a lawyer, it is likely to be daunting and difficult to represent yourself at court.
• Without a lawyer you may not get such a good outcome at court.
• The process will probably feel out of your control. Once a case has got going people often feel a bit powerless. The court has the power to make various different orders as long as those orders are in the best interests of your child as the court sees it. You may not agree.  
• The court system is overloaded with cases so it can take a very long time for a case to be dealt with. This can mean that the problems between you and your ex get dragged out. Because the family court is so busy, judges don’t have the time to look at the case in as much detail as you might want and expect. This may mean you end up feeling that going to court doesn’t actually help you to be heard in the way you thought it would. 

The family court can decide who the children live with and how and when they see the other adults in their life. These orders are called child arrangements orders.

The court can also make orders about specific issues (for example, if you cannot agree about where they are going to go to school or whether the child should have an operation) and things that parents may not do, like take the child abroad (a 'prohibited steps' order).

We have produced a separate guide to help you apply for a child arrangements order if you really have to apply to court. But before you get that far be sure to take a look at What to do before you apply to the family court about your children. 

We asked people who had sorted out arrangements for their children what worked for them and what advice they would give to other people.

“I used to ask my boys what they’d done when they came home from seeing their dad but they always seemed really defensive – like I’d be hurt if they’d had fun. So I changed tack. I asked their Dad what they’d done and showed great enthusiasm at his replies. Very soon they were proudly bringing home stories, pictures, even some biscuits they’d made.“ Theresa

 “You've both got to be flexible; you won't generally know about things like their friends' birthday parties a long way in advance. To start with I felt like seeing me should come above everything else - but then I realised it wasn’t fair for them to miss out. So we both try and be flexible and swap things about. Some weeks I don’t see them as much as I’d like to, but there’s always next week.” Paul

“I think it’s best not to show the kids how angry you are with your ex. The best advice I was given was to write it down when I was angry or frustrated with him so I didn’t dump it on the kids and they didn’t have to see me banging pots and pans or stamping round the house after he’d called.” Jane

“When we were working out when we’d each see the children, we also agreed what the routine and rules were, and made sure they were the same at both homes. It meant neither of us got paranoid that they liked it more at one place or another. It was particularly helpful when our daughter started trying to play us off against each other.” Flic

"My son went through a phase when he didn't want to see me. He was happy to text though, so I just kept on texting. I convinced him to start playing xbox games with me,  even though we were in different houses. It was low pressure as he didn't have to see me  but we would talk a bit as we played. Being on the same team as we beat up the baddies was incredibly good for breaking down the wall between us". Chris

“I realised how confused I would be if I never knew where I was going after school. We made a chart for both our flats to show what was happening each day and discussed it at breakfast each morning.” Dev

“Children know when you're trying to buy their love. And they exploit it! We found that they were playing us off against each other a bit, and we fell for it and started to buy bigger and bigger presents for them. Now we email each other to agree what we’ll each do for xmas and birthdays.” Tim

“It really bugged me when their dad didn't bring them back on time. Or when he was late turning up and they were all ready in their coats. But now he just texts me if he's running late, and its okay.” Neelam

“I made the mistake at first of always trying to take the children out for a treat. I wanted it to be special. But actually it was a bit much for them and for me. They like being at home or in the park too - just us being together.” Steve

“The children used to come back from weekends with Mark all hyper and tearful. I was really worried about it. But my sister said her kids were like that anyway if they'd been out for the day, and I realised she was right. I talked to Mark about it and he agreed to try to get them to chill a bit for the last hour or so.” Kath

“The handovers are really hard at first. We could barely look at each other. But I tried hard to be nice about it. And it helped Amy, my daughter, that we could speak to each other, and I could come to the door.” Sarah

“Children have their own lives too. It took us a while to strike the right balance between ensuring we have enough time together and making sure the children still get to do the things they want to - like going to football and seeing their friends.” Jon

“I do a share of the ferrying the girls around even when it’s not ‘my time’ to see them. It makes things easier for everyone and it’s nice to see them even if it’s only for 15 minutes in the car. They tell me all about what’s going on at school or what happened at swimming that they never mention at the weekend.” Ciro

“I think the boys used to be too scared to mention their Dad to me or me to him. I realised this was stressful and weird for them so started to find ways to mention their Dad and his new partner without asking them anything. It felt weird at first but it did the job. They don’t feel they can’t talk about stuff anymore.” Kas

This is very hard to deal with. If you are the parent that has been looking after them up to now, this will usually feel horrible. The first thing you need to do is try to deal with your feelings about it. Remember this happens at some stage in many families. It’s human nature to wonder if the grass is greener. It isn’t a reflection of any failing on your part. In fact, it’s more likely to be a reflection of your success in enabling your child to maintain a good relationship with their other parent.

Once you’ve got your feelings a bit under control, you need to deal with two things: your child’s feelings and wishes about it and then whether it’s actually a good idea.

Agreeing a change in where your child lives will, in most cases, be a really big decision which you need to think about carefully.

Where there are already settled arrangements for children the court will be reluctant to change them if there are no concerns about the care they are receiving. Look again at What the law says. 

How old your child is and how mature they are will have a big impact on whether a move to live with the other parent is a good idea. You might feel that a move would benefit your child and so it may be something you can agree to. But, you might be very concerned about it. 

It is helpful to know how the court tends to deal with this sort of situation.  The court’s view is that change is usually disruptive for children and should be avoided. If your child is young and there are no worries about the care you are giving your child the court would usually say your child should stay with you. As children grow older and are better able to understand the situation and express their views, their perspectives can carry more weight. But this does not mean they would be expected to have the responsibility of such a big decision. 

Your child may feel guilty for wanting to move and that’s probably not helpful for them. If you can, it will be helpful to tell them you understand. You might think there are lots of reasons why it’s a bad idea, but it’s important to show your child that you are listening to them and considering it. Discussing it calmly will also help you work out if this is just a whim or something they have been thinking about more seriously.

Try and have a chat with your child, and make a list of the reasons they want to move. Then, together, you could look at all the possible solutions. This might include increasing the amount of time they spend with their other parent, or changing how things work with you, as well as going to live with their other parent.

If you have a good relationship with their other parent you could do this all together. If you don’t, it might be best for one of you to have this conversation with the child and then contact the other parent to discuss it. In this case, be careful not to agree anything with the child until you have discussed it with the other parent - instead just explore possibilities. One way to do it is to approach it again as if you are making the decision for the first time. Just like then, your priority is to make sure your child gets appropriate care. If you are struggling to come to a new agreement a family mediation service may be able to help.

If you feel pressurised by the other parent to agree to your child going to live with them and you don’t think it is the right move for your child, it is important to try and get legal advice from a family law solicitor about what to do before agreeing to anything.

If you do decide that the child will be properly cared for by their other parent and the move won’t be too disruptive, consider making an agreement between both parents and the child. A written agreement can be a helpful way to give you both a good understanding of your discussions and could be a clear document to go back to if there is any disagreement between you. This might say that the child will live with the other parent for a trial period (say 6 months or a year), when they would visit or stay overnight with you, what will happen in the holidays, and when they’ll speak on the phone etc. It can also be helpful to include that the important rules for the child will remain the same and specify what they are. You should also agree what would happen if they change their mind and make it clear that it is ok for them to do that.

Any agreement you reach between yourselves can be helpful but it is not legal binding so either one of you can change your mind about the arrangements at any time.

If you do agree to your child moving to live with their other parent be aware that it could be very difficult to arrange for your child to return to live with you once they are settled there. You may decide that you are not happy with the new arrangement. Unless the other parent agrees for your child to come back to your care then you may find you are stuck. There may be no option other than applying to the court to ask for an child arrangements order that your child come back to live with you.  The court will want to avoid more disruption for the child and so unless there are serious welfare concerns about your child being mainly in the care of their other parent the court is unlikely to agree to your child moving again. 

The court will always listen to the wishes and feelings of children but the older they are the more weight will be given to them. A judge might be unwilling to go against the views of a mature child who has a clear, well-reasoned view that is their own view (and not influenced by anything you or your ex has said). Once the child is 16 the court will only make an order in exceptional circumstances.

When this happens it can feel really nice. It’s very flattering to think they would prefer to live with you. But try not to see this as winning or a reason to start having another argument with your ex. You need to think about whether this is really the right thing for your child and both of you.

The first thing is to ask them why they would like to live with you. Before you take it seriously you need to be sure that it is for good reasons. If they mainly see you on weekends or holidays, they may think it will always be like it is at weekends if they live with you. But they will still have to go to school, and do their homework, and go to bed at a reasonable time if they lived with you during the week. You will sometimes get tired and cross with them or have to lay down the law just like their other parent. Or it may be that there are issues in the other parent’s home that the child wants addressed and this is their way of bringing them up.

It’s important to think about the practicalities. Could you continue to meet all their needs alongside the parent they are currently living with? For example, could they stay at the same school and continue their usual clubs and activities and friendships? If not, would they be willing and able to adjust to the changes? Talking through these practicalities with your child can help everyone understand how the change could affect their day-to-day life.

You also need to work out if you really want to take this step – if it is not right for you, perhaps because of other factors in your life, then it may fail and cause more harm than good. If you do want to take this forward, it is best to approach it as delicately and co-operatively as you can. Contact the other parent and see if you can work together to come to a solution.

It may be that the best option is just to change things a bit as that would avoid the disruption of the child having to get used to a new home and family life.

If your child would just like to spend more time with you, would it be better to change the arrangements so they see you more often, or stay over for longer? While a shared care arrangement might not have been best to start with, are they big enough for it to work better now? (see What you need to sort out) Or would it really be best if they moved to live with you?

Many families who have been through this have found it useful to draw up an agreement between the two parents and the child. This might say that the child will live with the other parent for a trial period (say 6 months or a year), when they would visit or stay overnight with the parent they won’t be living with, what will happen in the holidays, and when they will speak on the phone etc. It can also be really helpful if it includes that the rules for the child/teenager will remain the same and specifies what they are. You should also agree what would happen if they change their mind.

Any agreement you reach between yourselves can be helpful but it is not legal binding so either one of you can change your mind about the arrangements at any time.

If you can come to an agreement, you don’t need to go to court, even if you had an order that said the child should live with the other parent. You only need to involve the court when you cannot agree.

If it isn’t going to be possible to work together to come to a decision on this, even with help like family mediation, then you need to think about whether you should apply to court for a child arrangements order. If your child is under 12 or 13 years old then the court is unlikely to decide that they should live with you just based on what your child says they want, if there are no reasons to be concerned about the care they are receiving from their other parent. This is because the court considers that change is disruptive which is not good for children. 

It can be tempting to take children’s unwillingness to see their other parent at face value. They may be upset or distressed at the idea and your instinct as a loving parent is often to support them in their decision and help them solve their problem. But children’s feelings about seeing the parent they don’t live with are rarely simple. They are often complicated by feelings of loyalty to you, or feelings of sadness and hurt at the end of your relationship that they can’t move through. Children often use avoidance of the other parent to avoid dealing with difficult emotions so if you can, you need to try to help them address these feelings.

Find out what the problem is - maybe it’s something that can be solved. Sometimes it is something as simple as not being allowed to take possessions from one home to the other, having different rules, or (for small children) there being something in the other home that for some reason frightens them. Or sometimes, particularly if you have recently split up, it’s because the arrangements are asking them to get used to a lot at once. Maybe they don’t want to stay the night yet - to start with you could just do short visits, or maybe there’s someone else they’re not ready to see (a new partner, or other family member for example). Or maybe, they are finding the awkwardness between you and their other parent as you hand them over just too painful.

If the only answer you are getting is along the lines of “I just don’t want to” then you may have to leave it for now, but continue to be aware it may be that they are trying to please you. You should aim to make it as easy as possible for your child to change their mind.

Discuss it with their other parent. Make sure that they understand that you are trying to help the situation. If you can, agree a plan to try to deal with it. That could include things like:

• Reminding the child that you split up because your relationship had stopped being happy - it wasn’t that either of you stopped loving them or being a good parent.
• Both of you trying to make sure you don’t talk disparagingly about each other, in fact try to consciously talk each other up.
• Find other ways for their other parent to stay in touch in the mean time - emails, texts, phone calls, short visits or perhaps things like giving them a lift to football/ballet/Brownies etc.
• Look out for a problem that their other parent might be able to help them with – perhaps homework, mending their bike or a broken toy – anything that might give their other parent a useful role.
• Maybe it would help them to speak to someone else – another member of the family, a family friend or a professional.

The court expects you to encourage your child to see their other parent, unless you are worried that your child is coming to some kind of harm there. Encouraging your child to see the other parent, includes talking positively to them about the other parent and making sure your child is ready at the time agreed. If your child is older, say around aged 11 or older, then the court will pay more attention to your child’s views when deciding how to deal with this problem.

The court can hear directly from children, and this is becoming more common. The court will take into account how emotionally mature your child is when deciding if the judge should hear directly from them.  

If you become worried about why your child doesn’t want to spend time with their other parent and think that there could be issues around their safety when they are there, you need to get legal advice on this as soon as possible. For more information see More help and advice.

This is usually really painful and to make matters worse it feels completely out of your control. It’s often tempting to blame their other parent – particularly if you had an acrimonious break up. But this isn’t a helpful road to go down. It’s possible that your children are saying they don’t want to come out of loyalty to their other parent, but that doesn’t mean that their other parent planned it, caused it, or had any conscious role in it. Even if their other parent may not have been blameless, you are unlikely to help the situation by berating him or her and may only end up upsetting the children and making it harder for them to change their mind.

Your child may be feeling hurt, angry, or confused about changes in the family. They might have witnessed upsetting or difficult situations during the breakup, which can be confusing for them. It can help to listen to their feelings, acknowledge them, and reassure them that it’s normal to have strong emotions. Encourage open conversation, let them know they are heard, and offer support as they work through their feelings.

Or it might be a much simpler problem – for example, maybe they want to do something else on that day.

• Try to talk/write to your ex about it calmly. Do not accuse them of turning them against you. Ask for their help in solving the problem. Make it clear that you are willing to be flexible if it makes things easier for your child. For example, if it’s that your child is anxious about staying the night or missing the other parent, you could start by just seeing them for a few hours until you have all got used to it. If they don’t like something else, it can be changed.
• It’s probably not a good idea to ask the other parent to force your child to see you. Instead ask them to help you talk to your child about why they don’t want to. It’s very hard to force even a small child to do anything against their wishes, and it certainly isn’t going to make for an enjoyable day.
• Could you ask the other parent to find ways of talking about you positively?
• See if you can find methods of communicating directly with your children that will show them that you love them and are thinking of them, without putting pressure on them to change their mind. Perhaps send short emails, postcards, or quick texts, phone or video call, or use computer games you can play together over the internet - anything that might suit your child.
• Remind them that you split up with their father/mother because the adult relationship was unhappy, not because you didn’t love them.
• It never hurts to tell them you love them and think they are amazing and you always will.

This can feel awful. People in this situation tend to want to take the other parent to court, and this does sometimes help but it’s far from the magic cure you would hope for. Again, it’s best used only as a last resort.

If you are not getting to see your child in the way you did before think about ways you can try to stay in touch while sorting out the problem. For example, you might be able to call, skype or FaceTime your child. You could think about sending short letters or cards to your child. The occasional small gift, like stickers or a magazine, will remind your child you are thinking about them. 

If you haven’t already tried it, it might be best to approach the other parent as if you don’t think the problem is them. Write or speak to them asking for the help described in the previous section.

There are some co-parenting apps that can be used by parents to share information and communicate more easily. 

Another option is to see if the other parent will consider using a mediation service. Some mediators are specifically trained to work with children, so the child can have their views heard. A trained mediator may meet with a child separately and, with the child’s agreement, feed back their views to the parents. See Family mediation for more information on how to find a good mediator.

If you end up not seeing your child for a while, it might be that a child contact centre is a safe space for you to see them again and it could really help get things back on track. The National Association of Child Contact Centres has a postcode finder where you can search for centres near to your child’s home. There is lots of useful information on their website explaining how contact centres work as well as other helpful resources for parents and children.  

If none of these options help, you may need to apply to court. See What to do before you apply to the family court about your children for the next steps.

This is a sad and tricky situation. Your priority of course is to make sure this hurts the children and their self-image and self-esteem as little as possible. It’s going to be hard, but try not to show the children how angry this makes you. Even if you think it’s because they don’t care or they don’t have their priorities right – it is best not to say it. It is best not to say or do anything that may close your child off from the possibility of seeing their other parent again. Instead, make it as clear as you can that it isn’t because of anything they have done or because of anything they are. Even adults do silly things sometimes because they are upset, or because they have forgotten what is most important. 

If you know where the other parent is, it can be helpful to get in touch with the other parent and ask them (without being aggressive) how they would like you to explain it to the children. You don’t need to try to solve the problem, just find a way to explain it.

At the same time you could encourage them to find other ways to show them that they still love them and are thinking of them. Perhaps email, postcards, quick texts, phone calls, etc.

You can get advice on dealing with issues like this from Gingerbreads' Single Parent Helpline and the Children’s Legal Centre - see More help and advice.

What is the difference between child custody and child arrangements?

In England and Wales, the legal terms 'child custody', 'contact' and 'residence' are no longer used. Instead the law uses the term 'child arrangements' to talk about where a child lives and how much time they spend with each parent, or other family members.

What happens if my ex breaks our child arrangement agreement?

If you have an order from the family court, you can look into applying to the court for enforcement. If it’s an informal agreement that you have come to together, you may need to go to mediation to resolve the issue or get some legal advice. See More help and advice. 

Do grandparents have a right to see their grandchildren?

As a grandparent you have no automatic right to spend time with your grandchild, unless you also have parental responsibility for them. But you can ask the court for permission to apply to the court about your grandchildren. Usually, this should be a last resort. If you are a grandparent and you are worried about your relationship with your grandchildren, the National Association of Child Contact Centres has helpful information about what to do. 

Emotional support 

Relate have lots of information on their website about a range of problems that can arise in relationships and families. 

Restored Lives is a charity supporting couples and parents going through separation and divorce. They have free online resources and run courses in the community and online. These are not free, but you can ask for support with the fee if you are on a low income or a student. 

How to find a family mediator

Anyone can call themselves a family mediator, so it is important to choose someone you can be sure is well trained and experienced. 

A good way to find a registered mediator is to use the search tool provided by the Family Mediation Council to find one near you. Only mediators on their list are able to carry out mediation, information and assessment meetings (often called MIAMs). All Family Mediation Council registered mediators must follow a code of practice to maintain good standards in their work. 

If you follow up on a recommendation from family or friends, be sure to just check the name on the Family Mediation Council website so you know that the person is registered and either working towards being an accredited mediator or is accredited. This will give you reassurance that the mediator you choose is trained and experienced.

All the mediators included on the Family Medication Council website have been trained by providers approved by the Family Mediation Council and most are also accredited, which means that they are experienced mediators. Not all mediators do Legal Aid funded mediation, but those who do must be accredited – you can search for them by ticking the middle box on the search tool. Only mediators included on this register can provide mediation via the mediation voucher scheme.  

If you live in Wales, there is a new website to help you find local mediators and other professionals supporting families to resolve disputes out of court – go to Family Options Hub. 

For more help, take a look at Family mediation. 

How to find legal advice

Use our Affordable Advice service to discuss the most important bits of your case. 

For help finding a family lawyer a good place to start is Resolution where you can find lawyers by searching using your postcode. Resolution members must commit to helping you work out your legal problem in a non-confrontational way. A green tick next to the lawyer’s name tells you that they offer legal aid.

You can also search for a specialist lawyer near you who has been accredited by the Law Society. This means they have a significant amount of experience and expertise and have passed a Law Society assessment - go to Law Society Find a solicitor page. You can also find a family lawyer who offers legal aid via the GOV.UK website.

To find initial free legal advice, LawWorks can be a good place to start. LawWorks supports a network of over 280 free legal advice clinics that provide initial advice to individuals on various areas of law. Use your postcode to search for a clinic near you that offers family law advice.

Another option might be a law centre where lawyers sometimes give free legal advice on family law issues. Use the Law Centre Network search option to see if there is a law centre near you.

The Child Law Advice Service provides free advice on all areas of English child and family law from the Child Law Advice Line on 0300 330 5480 Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm.

Rights of Women offers free, confidential legal advice for women in England and Wales on family law matters (for example, about domestic violence and abuse, divorce, cohabitation, finances and property on relationship breakdown, parental responsibility and arrangements for children and lesbian parenting).

• For women in England and Wales, call 020 7251 6577. Line open Monday to Thursday, 7pm to 9pm, Fridays 12pm to 2pm (closed on public holidays).
• For women in London, call 020 7608 1137. Line open Mondays 10am - 12pm and 2pm to 4pm, Tuesdays 2pm - 4pm, Wednesdays 2pm - 4pm, Thursdays 10am - 12pm and 2pm to 4pm (closed on public holidays).

RCJ Advice family services include free legal advice delivered daily through legal appointments and FLOWS, a national domestic abuse legal service linking women to legal aid for family law. They may be able to help you if you:

• live in England or Wales,
• have a case in the Family Court, and
• are not already represented by a solicitor or barrister.

To book an appointment please complete the Assessment Form on their website. 

Direct access barristers - another way to get legal advice is to speak to a barrister who is qualified to represent members of the public directly (without a solicitor being involved). There are limits on what a barrister can do outside of representation at court, but it is often a cheaper option if you just want to get some advice rather than have a solicitor to negotiate on your behalf. You can find the details of appropriately qualified barristers and an explanation of the way the system works at Direct Access Portal. 

Don’t be afraid to phone around to compare prices or see if you can find someone who will give you the first appointment for free. Try and get organised before you make any calls, so that you can answer questions about your case clearly.

Domestic abuse

If your ex has been or is being abusive to you there are lots of places you can find out more information and get support. 

Always dial 999 in an emergency. If you cannot speak when you call you may be asked to cough or tap on the phone or enter the numbers 55. The operator will then know you are there and in danger and transfer you to the police.

For support or to discuss your options you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 or in Wales, Live Fear Free on 0808 80 10 800.

Both help lines are for anyone who is experiencing, or has experienced domestic abuse, or for anyone who is worried about domestic abuse happening to a friend, family member or colleague. It is free, confidential and the number will not show up on a BT telephone bill.

If you are a man and you or your children are affected by domestic violence or abuse you can contact the Men’s Advice Line for free on 0808 801 0327. Open Monday - Friday 10am- 5pm.

Galop runs a national helpline for lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans people experiencing domestic abuse. You can contact them on 0800 999 5428. 

The National Centre for Domestic Violence provides a free, emergency injunction service to survivors of domestic violence regardless of their financial circumstances, race, gender or sexual orientation. You can contact them on 0800 970 2070. Alternatively, you can text NCDV to 60777 and they will call you back.

You can find more information and support from:

• Refuge
• Women’s Aid
• Welsh Women’s Aid
• Surviving Economic Abuse

If you are worried about your own behaviour towards your current or ex-partner, or are you concerned for someone you know who is being abusive, help is available to stop this at Respect Phoneline, with non-judgmental advice and access to behaviour change programmes. Call 0808 8024040, Monday–Friday 10am-5pm.

Child contact centres

Child contact centres provide neutral, safe, and child-friendly spaces where children and young people can spend quality family time with a parent they no longer live with, and other family members, following separation.

You can find more useful information on the National Association of Child Contact Centres website. They also provide a free information line - call 0115 948 4557 Monday to Friday 9am - 1pm.
 

Parenting help and support 

Cafcass (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service), and Cafcass Cymru in Wales, work with children and their families, and then advise the courts on what they consider to be in the best interests of individual children. They have lots free and useful information on their website for parents and children, including free parenting plans. 

Gingerbread provides practical support and other help for single parents on their website. 

Family Lives is a national charity providing help and support in all aspects of family life. Their helpline can give information, advice, guidance and support on any aspect of parenting and family life. Family Lives Helpline 0808 800 2222 Monday to Friday 9am-9pm, Saturday and Sunday 10am - 3pm.

MATCH mothers is a charity that offers non-judgmental support and information to mothers apart from their children in a wide variety of circumstances - [email protected]. 
Helpline: 0800 689 4104 9am- 1pm and 7pm-9.30pm, Monday - Friday.

OnlyMums and Dads run a Family Separation Support Hub with information, articles, details of parenting courses and access to a directory of a range of professionals who can help with separation issues.

One Plus One is a charity that works to help people maintain and strengthen relationships with others in their lives. They have a free parenting app called separating better.

Child arrangements order 

An order which sets out the arrangements about who a child lives with and spends time with and when.

Child maintenance 

This is the money a parent pays towards the child’s upkeep. It is usually paid by the parent who the child stays with less.

Legal aid 

This is a government scheme to help people who live on a low income and have few savings and meet specific other criteria, pay for legal help. To get legal help or legal aid to go to court about a family issue you need to have evidence of domestic abuse within your relationship or evidence that your child is at risk of abuse from the other adult in the case. 

Mediation information and assessment meeting (‘MIAM’) 

This is a meeting between you and a mediator where the mediator explains how mediation and other non-court options to resolve disputes work and whether mediation is likely to be safe and helpful for your family. 

Parenting plan 

This is a written document that sets out how you and your ex will parent your children during and after you separate. It can be as detailed as you like but it is helpful to agree key things like living arrangements, holidays, special days and schooling. 

Parental responsibility 

This is the rights and obligations of a parent for and towards a child. It allows a parent to make certain decisions concerning a child and to be consulted about important changes or decisions, for example about health or education. It does not give the right to interfere unreasonably or unnecessarily in the care arrangements put in place by the child’s main carer. Parental responsibility is automatically held by the mother of the child and by the father if he is married to or in a civil partnership with the mother. Parental responsibility is also automatically given to any father who is named on the child’s birth certificate even if the parents are not married. If you are a ‘second female parent’ and your child was conceived on or after 6th April 2009 and you are named on the birth certificate you will have parental responsibility. If you are a second female parent and you are married to, or are the civil partner of, the child’s mother you will also have parental responsibility. Be aware that not all same-sex partners are automatically second female parents. For more about the law on second female parents have a look Work out if you have parental responsibility. 

Prohibited Steps Order 

This is an order preventing someone from carrying out an action in relation to a child – an example is forbidding someone from taking a child out of the country or forbidding them from removing a child from the care of the other parent.

Shared care 

This is an arrangement where the children live part of the week with one parent and the rest of the week with the other.

Specific Issue Order 

This is an order the court can make if it has been asked to make a decision on an important issue on which the parents cannot agree (for example, if you cannot agree about where they are going to go to school or whether the child should have an operation).

Disclaimer

The information in this guide applies to England and Wales and is for general purposes only. The law is different in Scotland or Northern Ireland.

The law is complicated. We have simplified things in the guide to give you an idea of how the law applies to you. Please don't rely on this guide as a complete statement of the law. We recommend you try and get advice from the sources we have suggested.  

The quotes and cases we refer to are not always real but show a typical situation. We hope they help you think about how to deal with your own situation.

Acknowledgements

This guide was written and produced by Advicenow. This version of the guide was updated thanks to funding from the Ministry of Justice via the Online Support and Advice Grant. 

Advicenow would like to thank all those who provided feedback on this version of the guide, particularly Carlie Norris of Circle Mediation and Professor Polly Morgan.